Emotional Growth? Capitulation? Does It Matter?

As I get older I find myself reacting quite differently to reports of deaths.

The progression begins as a youngster with a complete lack of connection to the concept of death. Various reports are just that - words that don't mean much.

Then as adulthood hits, the concept begins to hit closer to home, but still maintains a distance. The idea is more real, there is more experience with deaths of acquaintances and loved ones, and the meaning of life becomes more apparent. "The things that matter" and the reasons why become more obvious. But there is still so much time left to chart one's own path, and there are still so many things left to experience. The primary focus is still forward.

With the onset of middle-agedom, the constant paranoia begins to set in. Every death is a harbinger of one's own. Every ache and pain is a symptom of a much larger, more dire problem. We are no longer on the upside but have crossed ever. Our bodies are beginning the process of wearing down. In many ways, nothing will ever be "as good". Things kind of suck.

But then there comes a time when a degree of acceptance kicks in, and reports of the deaths of others again begin to recede in their emotionally depressing impact. Instead, the response is more along the lines of "I'm glad that man or woman had the opportunity to live the life he or she did." It becomes an appreciation of the accomplishments, the journey and the legacy left behind. The idea of eternal life being defined simply as one's personal and family legacy seems to crystallize.

It's quite difficult

to shed the ingrained thought processes and behaviors that have developed over one's life, even if the originally driving circumstances change in relevant ways.

After a certain point, it feels like a lifetime of "reacting as if one is cornered and threatened" becomes inevitable.

I am envious of those who can truly adapt and grow in positive ways, and who can escape whichever morass of negativity they had previously come to be stuck in.

Such growth is quite difficult.

Sometimes I think that people should be more drunk

more often.